In my first 2023 blog, I wrote about how to set and accomplish your goals and resolutions without using traditional methods. I also spoke about what gets in the way and how to overcome each of these pitfalls, with the notable exception of addressing the mindset.
Today we will talk about exactly that, the mindset of success. Below I will explain not only why this is important but also I will share with you a very simple formula that will help you understand, therefore, make the changes you need to achieve success at any level.
Let’s dive in.
I want to introduce you to a very popular formula used as a foundation by many experts in the field of coaching and personal development. This formula, which some call the Thought Model (popularized by Brook Castillo), in my personal opinion, is the easiest way to understand the connection between the mind, feelings, actions, and the results we seek.
Thoughts = > Feelings= > Actions = > Results Or otherwise known as TFAR
This formula allows us to rethink and rebuild our thoughts, giving us a tool to take back our agency.
The theory behind the formula is rather simple. Life is full of circumstances that are out of our control. Everyday random events and other people’s actions are all circumstances. There’s nothing we can do to change them, which makes them outside of our locus of control. If we want to feel better about something or see better results, focusing on those isn’t what we have to change.
Instead, what this formula is telling us is that if we really want to affect the results we get, we need to change our view and learn how to reframe our thoughts first as they relate to how we respond to those circumstances. If our thoughts lead to feelings, that leads to actions that lead to results; change the thoughts behind the feelings, and you will radically alter your outcome.
Solving for (P)rogramming
Looking at this formula, it seems pretty easy, right? Change the way you think and change your life. However, I will tell you that this formula is missing the one ingredient that greatly influences our thinking. That is our inner programming (aka database of unhelpful beliefs and thought patterns). By that logic, then, our new formula is:
And how do we get this programming? I know the answer might be obvious to some of you. Still, let me explain. There are mainly three ways one gets programmed:
Seeing what happens around us (what did you see when growing up?)
Messages we heard growing up (what did you hear when you were growing up?)
Scarring events that happened to us or around us (experiences that affected us)
An example of this, is something that I see a lot in my female clients across the board and is the fear of asserting themselves at work and home, and asking for what they deserve (promotion, raise, alone time, etc.).
Let me share a real scenario.
M (for the sake of confidentiality, we will leave it at that) is a high performer and a high-achieving senior professional at a global tech company and a client of mine. When she started working with me, she was overwhelmed, on the verge of burnout, and extremely demotivated with work as the expected raise kept being postponed again and again.
When digging deeper, we discovered that she was not really asking for what she needed to be successful in her role and at home. Moreover, she has not properly voiced her concerns to the higher-ups and said yes too often to assignments that were not meaningful to her.
Because when she was growing up, she repeatedly heard that keeping her head down, not rocking the boat, working hard, and being humble were all that was needed to succeed.
She saw both her parents work themselves to the bone and take on work without pushing back.
She saw her mother shoulder all the work and constantly say yes to other people's needs but not her own- that was selfish!
After identifying these “programming errors,” we got to work on these root issues.
We identified the authentic values that now she was going to choose to live her life by and not those passed down to her via generational conditioning.
We identified how she would respond when a circumstance, such as a last-minute ask came up at work or home.
We also debated and then committed to a set of actions to help her create the desired results.
M has received her raise and is living a much more balanced defining success on her terms.
Your inner you create your outer results.
Why is understanding this important? Well, if we want to affect change at the root and achieve success in any aspect of our lives, we first need to reset our core system. This means reprogramming our minds to stop acting like we always have done- in autopilot and falling on old habits- and instead taking our power back, evolving, and creating the lasting change that we want.
Remember, your inner “you” create your outer results.
So how can you start the work of reprogramming and therefore master the inner game for success? It certainly requires deep introspection and awareness. You can certainly start the process on your own or work with a certified coach like myself or a therapist. In part two of this article, I will tell you how you can do this on your own in 4 steps, so make sure to follow me here or sign up for my newsletter.